Monday, October 24, 2011

it's taken too long to write this..

I just wanted to write my last baby update.
As it turns out with my last post, it wasn't a miscarriage. every doctor assured me it was but I was still having nausea and breast tenderness. So I called my ob-gyn. they had me do a blood test that came back positive. I thought it was a sign from god. 72 hours later they wanted another blood test, a tider, they called it. It came back higher, but not as high as they wanted so I went into the office for an ultra sound. my uterus was empty, but there was a sac in my filopean tube.
I went back for more blood work and waited for the call. Finally around 7pm the doctor called me and scheduled the date for the removal of the baby from my tube. That night I had severe cramping, which I attributed to constipation so I took ex-lax and xanex and went to bed. The next day I drove to San Luis Obispo to the hospital. I was doing good, holding tough to my sanity until I had to sign away the rights to let them remove up to my entire reproductive system. I signed the paper and called Erica begging her to come sit with me. And she did. at around 8 am the surgeon and the anastesiologist came in. They explained the procedure and gave me some pain pills (this part gets a little dicey and am only retelling the story as it was told to me) 

Don't worry I'm not about to go to surgery I'm in paradise lol.
So they eventually came with the goods and put me to sleep... when i woke up i immediately sat up trying to asses the damage. which set off my bed alarms. which i turned off. hey why not i'm a CNA lol. The doctor came in and told me that I had gone through a lot of pain. my tube had errupted (the pain from the night before) and that I had major internal bleeding, and had the surgery in time. another hour and it would have been too late. He had to take the tube and he had tried to cut out as much of the endometriosis that I had. I wanted to go back to recovery so I could get ahold of someone, I was supposed to stay in the or for an hour but I finally annoyed the nurses enough. Apparently the surgeon was telling me that my apendix and my other organs looked good. I responded with a witty on a one to charley sheen how does my liver look....
yeah. i'm classy. also before surgery the doctor asked if i smoked. i said when i drank. so he responded with so you make bad choices when drunk? i responded with. I'm pregnant and alone doc, obviously.
i told you guys, i'm all class.

The outcome. Finally Erica got to the hospital and by that time, I was dying I was in so much pain, they were pumping me full of percosets but they weren't doing anything. I could tell E was getting tired of waiting but I couldn't leave until my pain was managed. So after two hours I was ready to leave. On the way home all I wanted was in and out, but then got too nauseous to even eat it.
The next few days were awful. I was living on Vicodin, popcicles and pot. the pain pills made me sick to my stomach so all i wanted to eat was popcicles finally a friend of mine convinced me to  smoke with her and it worked wonders i could eat i could move i could feel half alive. Jason was amazing. all i had to do was wince in my sleep and i had a pain pill and a popsicle.
He will never know how much he made me fall in love with the way he cared for me after.
I'm still very angry.
This baby had me so in love. the whole ordeal was a rollercoaster. so many emotions. and then it ended. I had to choose to end my babies life or have my babies life end me. It felt like sophies choice, continue to live for the son I have or die for the baby I never met. Not a choice that I wish upon anyone.
I get stronger every day.
But not a day goes by I don't think of little miss Madi.
I love you darlin'

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I spent Friday night in the E.R. for minor cramping. After a pap and blood tests they declared me and the baby in good health. Sunday night I was back in the hospital with bleeding. After seeing the doctor and getting a shot for my Rh- blood type the doctor once again declared me in good health.
Monday morning, I lost the baby.
This is hard. I am not okay. I do not know how I am going to pull through this.
I now know that I Have a 30% chance of ever having a baby again.
It has snapped everything down to my core.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


I'm back. It's been too long. I let someone make me feel like crap for the things that I said in my blog. But here I am. With a whole stew of new adventures.
J and I broke up. AND I'm 4 weeks pregnant. It's a really rough time for me. On one hand I am so excited about having a baby (please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl) but on the other hand, I wish I wasn't doing this alone. I wish I had someone other than Holly to go to my doctors appointments, and pick names, figure out if we're going to find out the sex... all the fun things that go with having a baby. but I don't. And that's okay.
It's hard going from being with someone for 2 years to being alone and having a baby. But on the plus side, nobody to argue names, bedding and my 2 am cravings for taco bell :)

I'm going to break my blogs into seperate parts for now

I've been praying for a girl. Truth is, aside from the pink and the wonderfulness I can't think of baby boy names LOL. So if it is a girl,
It's Madeline Grace Madi for short. I LOVES IT!
I've been put on Zolfan for neausia. It makes me super tired, but the trade off is worth it. I could keep maybe 300 calories down a day before the meds and now I can actually eat! I'm working out so I dont turn into a hump back whale by the end of this. It took me way too long to get rid of jeremiah baby fat and I know the seconds are harder. But I sure am loving these boobs. I am due around st. patricks day. conveniant. J's birthday. Rock on lol.

My life:
Still a STRAIGHT A STUDENT! and i'm not taking easy classes. I'm taking medical terminology, neutrition, and family studies. And the funny part is, nutrition is my hardest class. I guess it's not so much of a suprsie to anyone who knows my taco bell addictions lol.
I'm really lonely. I miss J. I feel like an incomplete person. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I saw my everything in him. I wish I could say that he would turn around, but I don't think so. I don't even want to know what he's doing because it's going to break my heart when he is with someone else. I wish he would at least care about this baby. but he just wants me to abort. I'm not going to though. I made the appointment. I did all I thought I should do. But I can't. Anyone who knows my heart knows that I could never live with myself if I went down this road.
It's funny. I have had some very awesomely attractive men want to take me out lately. I just can't do it. Aside from the whole knocked up thing,  I know that I am not ready to give any part of me to anyone else. Maybe I'll become a nun. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
i got laid off earlier this week, I was devistated, but I've already started to get my hours back so that's a plus. I just hope that I can keep my days 3 in a row so I can keep this job while living in Fresno. until I can find a place there. ITS SO CHEAP. go back to court for Jeremiah soon. I'm really hoping things go my way so I can leave California. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to move though. Ideas???

Well I think this is all for the night. I got to mop the floors and hit the hay.
This medicine is kickin my BUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

3 weeks along. 6/28/11
Brittany & Baby

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Well here we are. I'm done blogging. Once again my thoughts left me beoken

Monday, March 28, 2011


Today was a rough day. Full of death. I had a resident die that I was not only close with her but with her family as well. Due to HIPPA laws let's call her Betty. she died this morning with her daughters with her. They slept there over night, and for that I am thankful. After she passed and the mortuary came and got her, her younger daughter came up to me and put her arms around me. Which sent me into instant hysterics and told me, "we could tell you loved mom. we knew mom loved you. Even through the end her eyes would light up when you came into her room. Thank you for taking such good care of my mommy." UGH. Straight to the heart.
I came to the realization today that I DONT WANT TO BE A CAREGIVER ANYMORE. I am not in a place in my life where I am okay with being surrounded by death.
I will write more later. Now, I just need to breathe.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Here we are. Another day another dollar.
Random thought for the day...
I've become so afraid that I"m going to get married one day. And that I'm going to have a beautiful ceremony. And then when I look at the pictures. I'm going to hate every one of them.

I have such bad self image. IDK maybe I don't. I think that my body is ehh. But my face. god. dog food. I'm not trying to be one of those drama queens "eww i'm so ugly." i really HATE looking in mirrors, reflections, accidental snap shots that I stumble upon. Why did it take so long for me to put pictures of mea nd jason up? not because i'm ashamed of him, but one day, he's going to wake up, roll over and realize, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH THIS BEAST? And then what do I do? pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here.

So I have this resident at work, She really, really wants me to hook up with her grandson. Now there are a couple of problems with this scenario.
problem A.) i'm in a relationship
problem B.) he's in a relationship
Problem C.) i have a son
... do i need more problems or are you understanding the levels of baggage that I have??
So needless to say, the phone number that she gave me today, will never be dialed. I'm absolutely 99.99% sure that I shredded the phone number lol.

I just need to remember that I love my residents. Although I might be trying to hang myself or fashion my name badge into a shiv to kill myself when Florence shoves a roll of paper towels down the toilet and floods 4 rooms.

.... they need me... i love them... it's a pay check... they need me..... i love them.... it's a pay check....

Friday, March 25, 2011


Yay for a good day! I worked today. I felt real weird. I felt dizzy and shitty but I feel like that could also be it being my monday. :p. I hate mondays. Especially when my mondays happen to fall on everyone elses fridays. Long night for me. It's worth it to unwind with my favorite man around. I wound up getting off at 3 oclock and then going back at 4:30-6. Easiest 40 bucks I've ever made! Came home and had pizza and beer with Jason and the neighbors. Call it what you want, I love my life. I need my son back. But once we have the kids back, it will be all the more rewarding. I am ready to be full time mom again. It feels like it's been so long.
On the plus side. I'm sitting here. Belly full of pizza. sipping on some beers. Hanging with the hottest guy I KNOW and it's COLD! okay, okay, it's 50 degrees. but that sure feels cold to this california girl!
I don't really have a whole lot to say today, except i'm going to try to start looking for things that are positives in my life. I've got to drag myself out of this negative life.

Things I'm thankful for:
I am thankful that I believe in a God who will come through for me. Who knows the plans for my life. Who has sent his son to die on the cross for my transgressions. He will pull me through my hell.
I am thankful for the worlds most amazing son. He has changed my life.
I am thankful to have an amazing boyfriend who is my biggest supporter.
I am thankful to have a job, the hours suck, the days suck, and I could always use more money, But I am working.
I am thankful to have my long distance friends who hold my hand without being near.
I am thankful that I woke up this morning.

And on that postiive note, I dare you to every day list off the things that you are thankful for. Let's see how long it takes to become a more positive US. I am going to sign off for the night.

Thank you for reading.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

More randomness

So today has been an ok day. Nothing really to write home about but pretty good. Jason is sitting at the computer playing games. I'm sitting here blogging. Just spent some good quality time in with holly. It was nice. Things still stress me out but I'm doing ok. I'll pull out of this a strong woman. And not only that but I will have a great man to stand behind me. Correction. Next to me. Right this moment, I'm at peace. I'm actually a little sleepy but the office proposal is on tonight and I for one am super excited.
What do you guys do on weeknights with your significant others? It seems that Jason and I have hit a rut. Dinner computer movie bed. And I feel like a bad girlfriend for not having exciting newness to our relationship. Hmm. Ideas?

Things I love about Jason
Good laugh
Best kiss I've ever had
Dorky like me
Loves me
Loves me
Makes me feel important
Makes me want forever
Brings me peace
Sexy as he'll

I just realized that it's so easy to get caught up in the negatives of the day to day but we can so easily forget the little things that make us happy. I know that I take Jason for granted a lot and I just hope he knows how much I love him.


Okay. Well lifes' been pretty chalk full of interesting, emotional, things that I just can't get away from. I feel bad dumping all my issues onto Jason because I know he has his own issues, in the same areas and if we are both downers, well, you might as well hand us the kool-aid flavored arsinic becasue it aint going to be pretty round these parts.I miss my son so much. I can't wait until he's back. I know it's hard right now but let me tell you what when this whole thing is done. I will be a solid brick wall of a woman. I will know how to love with all I have because one day it will be gone. I will know the sting of a loss and how it feels to cry for weeks on end. And I will do anything in my power to keep that from happenening to anyone else I care about. Also. Thanks to a good friend we are making progress on getting Jasons kids back from his ex bitch face. If I jump around a lot I'm so sorry. my mind is over flowing with random emotions. I have the absolute worst local friends. i am constantly a second choice to them. one of those, god i'm so fucking bored i've already maxed out on fun maybe i'll call brittany and hang out for 15 seconds type friends. and i'm sick of it. If I wasn't someone who needs to have friends i'd say a big fuck you to everyone. But I can't. And I won't. I'll just keep being ignored and smile like a lost puppy wagging their tailes when finally someone comes over for a hot second. Other than that. I am completely content in my relationship. It's boring sometimes. It's hard a lot of the times. But we fit. we fit completely perfectly. I'm annoying and dumb at times, and sometimes he just says things a little too sharp and hurts my feelings but hey, i'm sensative i think i'm going to have to get over that.
 Me, Trinity, Jason, and Mary at Snake River I believe in Twin Falls, ID. Yeah  I look like a nerd it was a warm day of  12 degrees.
 Frozen water falls.
Jeremy, Kaylee, Me and Jason. Thrilling night of beerz, apples to apples, and kids. lol. And I loved every second of it lol.

I guess I should probably get out of my pajamas and do soemthing with myself. I have some bedding that I have to take back because, "it feels like i'm sleeping with a kleenex" grr. Men. I even opted for the straight red instead of pretty and flowers LOL.
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