Monday, October 24, 2011

it's taken too long to write this..

I just wanted to write my last baby update.
As it turns out with my last post, it wasn't a miscarriage. every doctor assured me it was but I was still having nausea and breast tenderness. So I called my ob-gyn. they had me do a blood test that came back positive. I thought it was a sign from god. 72 hours later they wanted another blood test, a tider, they called it. It came back higher, but not as high as they wanted so I went into the office for an ultra sound. my uterus was empty, but there was a sac in my filopean tube.
I went back for more blood work and waited for the call. Finally around 7pm the doctor called me and scheduled the date for the removal of the baby from my tube. That night I had severe cramping, which I attributed to constipation so I took ex-lax and xanex and went to bed. The next day I drove to San Luis Obispo to the hospital. I was doing good, holding tough to my sanity until I had to sign away the rights to let them remove up to my entire reproductive system. I signed the paper and called Erica begging her to come sit with me. And she did. at around 8 am the surgeon and the anastesiologist came in. They explained the procedure and gave me some pain pills (this part gets a little dicey and am only retelling the story as it was told to me) 

Don't worry I'm not about to go to surgery I'm in paradise lol.
So they eventually came with the goods and put me to sleep... when i woke up i immediately sat up trying to asses the damage. which set off my bed alarms. which i turned off. hey why not i'm a CNA lol. The doctor came in and told me that I had gone through a lot of pain. my tube had errupted (the pain from the night before) and that I had major internal bleeding, and had the surgery in time. another hour and it would have been too late. He had to take the tube and he had tried to cut out as much of the endometriosis that I had. I wanted to go back to recovery so I could get ahold of someone, I was supposed to stay in the or for an hour but I finally annoyed the nurses enough. Apparently the surgeon was telling me that my apendix and my other organs looked good. I responded with a witty on a one to charley sheen how does my liver look....
yeah. i'm classy. also before surgery the doctor asked if i smoked. i said when i drank. so he responded with so you make bad choices when drunk? i responded with. I'm pregnant and alone doc, obviously.
i told you guys, i'm all class.

The outcome. Finally Erica got to the hospital and by that time, I was dying I was in so much pain, they were pumping me full of percosets but they weren't doing anything. I could tell E was getting tired of waiting but I couldn't leave until my pain was managed. So after two hours I was ready to leave. On the way home all I wanted was in and out, but then got too nauseous to even eat it.
The next few days were awful. I was living on Vicodin, popcicles and pot. the pain pills made me sick to my stomach so all i wanted to eat was popcicles finally a friend of mine convinced me to  smoke with her and it worked wonders i could eat i could move i could feel half alive. Jason was amazing. all i had to do was wince in my sleep and i had a pain pill and a popsicle.
He will never know how much he made me fall in love with the way he cared for me after.
I'm still very angry.
This baby had me so in love. the whole ordeal was a rollercoaster. so many emotions. and then it ended. I had to choose to end my babies life or have my babies life end me. It felt like sophies choice, continue to live for the son I have or die for the baby I never met. Not a choice that I wish upon anyone.
I get stronger every day.
But not a day goes by I don't think of little miss Madi.
I love you darlin'
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