3/28/2011

Today was a rough day. Full of death. I had a resident die that I was not only close with her but with her family as well. Due to HIPPA laws let's call her Betty. she died this morning with her daughters with her. They slept there over night, and for that I am thankful. After she passed and the mortuary came and got her, her younger daughter came up to me and put her arms around me. Which sent me into instant hysterics and told me, "we could tell you loved mom. we knew mom loved you. Even through the end her eyes would light up when you came into her room. Thank you for taking such good care of my mommy." UGH. Straight to the heart.
I came to the realization today that I DONT WANT TO BE A CAREGIVER ANYMORE. I am not in a place in my life where I am okay with being surrounded by death.
I will write more later. Now, I just need to breathe.

3/26/11

Here we are. Another day another dollar.
Random thought for the day...
I've become so afraid that I"m going to get married one day. And that I'm going to have a beautiful ceremony. And then when I look at the pictures. I'm going to hate every one of them.

I have such bad self image. IDK maybe I don't. I think that my body is ehh. But my face. god. dog food. I'm not trying to be one of those drama queens "eww i'm so ugly." i really HATE looking in mirrors, reflections, accidental snap shots that I stumble upon. Why did it take so long for me to put pictures of mea nd jason up? not because i'm ashamed of him, but one day, he's going to wake up, roll over and realize, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH THIS BEAST? And then what do I do? pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here.


So I have this resident at work, She really, really wants me to hook up with her grandson. Now there are a couple of problems with this scenario.
problem A.) i'm in a relationship
problem B.) he's in a relationship
Problem C.) i have a son
... do i need more problems or are you understanding the levels of baggage that I have??
So needless to say, the phone number that she gave me today, will never be dialed. I'm absolutely 99.99% sure that I shredded the phone number lol.

I just need to remember that I love my residents. Although I might be trying to hang myself or fashion my name badge into a shiv to kill myself when Florence shoves a roll of paper towels down the toilet and floods 4 rooms.

.... they need me... i love them... it's a pay check... they need me..... i love them.... it's a pay check....

3/25/2011*THANKFUL*

Yay for a good day! I worked today. I felt real weird. I felt dizzy and shitty but I feel like that could also be it being my monday. :p. I hate mondays. Especially when my mondays happen to fall on everyone elses fridays. Long night for me. It's worth it to unwind with my favorite man around. I wound up getting off at 3 oclock and then going back at 4:30-6. Easiest 40 bucks I've ever made! Came home and had pizza and beer with Jason and the neighbors. Call it what you want, I love my life. I need my son back. But once we have the kids back, it will be all the more rewarding. I am ready to be full time mom again. It feels like it's been so long.
On the plus side. I'm sitting here. Belly full of pizza. sipping on some beers. Hanging with the hottest guy I KNOW and it's COLD! okay, okay, it's 50 degrees. but that sure feels cold to this california girl!
I don't really have a whole lot to say today, except i'm going to try to start looking for things that are positives in my life. I've got to drag myself out of this negative life.

Things I'm thankful for:
I am thankful that I believe in a God who will come through for me. Who knows the plans for my life. Who has sent his son to die on the cross for my transgressions. He will pull me through my hell.
I am thankful for the worlds most amazing son. He has changed my life.
I am thankful to have an amazing boyfriend who is my biggest supporter.
I am thankful to have a job, the hours suck, the days suck, and I could always use more money, But I am working.
I am thankful to have my long distance friends who hold my hand without being near.
I am thankful that I woke up this morning.

And on that postiive note, I dare you to every day list off the things that you are thankful for. Let's see how long it takes to become a more positive US. I am going to sign off for the night.

Thank you for reading.

More randomness

So today has been an ok day. Nothing really to write home about but pretty good. Jason is sitting at the computer playing games. I'm sitting here blogging. Just spent some good quality time in with holly. It was nice. Things still stress me out but I'm doing ok. I'll pull out of this a strong woman. And not only that but I will have a great man to stand behind me. Correction. Next to me. Right this moment, I'm at peace. I'm actually a little sleepy but the office proposal is on tonight and I for one am super excited.
What do you guys do on weeknights with your significant others? It seems that Jason and I have hit a rut. Dinner computer movie bed. And I feel like a bad girlfriend for not having exciting newness to our relationship. Hmm. Ideas?

Things I love about Jason
Good laugh
Best kiss I've ever had
Dorky like me
Loves me
Loves me
Makes me feel important
Makes me want forever
Brings me peace
Sexy as he'll
Smart

I just realized that it's so easy to get caught up in the negatives of the day to day but we can so easily forget the little things that make us happy. I know that I take Jason for granted a lot and I just hope he knows how much I love him.

3/24/11

Okay. Well lifes' been pretty chalk full of interesting, emotional, things that I just can't get away from. I feel bad dumping all my issues onto Jason because I know he has his own issues, in the same areas and if we are both downers, well, you might as well hand us the kool-aid flavored arsinic becasue it aint going to be pretty round these parts.I miss my son so much. I can't wait until he's back. I know it's hard right now but let me tell you what when this whole thing is done. I will be a solid brick wall of a woman. I will know how to love with all I have because one day it will be gone. I will know the sting of a loss and how it feels to cry for weeks on end. And I will do anything in my power to keep that from happenening to anyone else I care about. Also. Thanks to a good friend we are making progress on getting Jasons kids back from his ex bitch face. If I jump around a lot I'm so sorry. my mind is over flowing with random emotions. I have the absolute worst local friends. i am constantly a second choice to them. one of those, god i'm so fucking bored i've already maxed out on fun maybe i'll call brittany and hang out for 15 seconds type friends. and i'm sick of it. If I wasn't someone who needs to have friends i'd say a big fuck you to everyone. But I can't. And I won't. I'll just keep being ignored and smile like a lost puppy wagging their tailes when finally someone comes over for a hot second. Other than that. I am completely content in my relationship. It's boring sometimes. It's hard a lot of the times. But we fit. we fit completely perfectly. I'm annoying and dumb at times, and sometimes he just says things a little too sharp and hurts my feelings but hey, i'm sensative i think i'm going to have to get over that.

 Me, Trinity, Jason, and Mary at Snake River I believe in Twin Falls, ID. Yeah  I look like a nerd it was a warm day of  12 degrees.

 Frozen water falls.

Jeremy, Kaylee, Me and Jason. Thrilling night of beerz, apples to apples, and kids. lol. And I loved every second of it lol.



I guess I should probably get out of my pajamas and do soemthing with myself. I have some bedding that I have to take back because, "it feels like i'm sleeping with a kleenex" grr. Men. I even opted for the straight red instead of pretty and flowers LOL.