01/22/2012

SO I hate that I keep reiterating on old love. But here's the deal. Jason was the man that stood by my side for three years. I know that I was married for four but, that marriage was for every reason other than love

But aside from that little fiasco, I've never thought that I would walk down the isle to meet anyone but Jason Harmon.  And through all of our break ups, my heart, my soul, my brain was shattered. 

But this time is different. 

My heart is broken, but my soul is intact. I will ALWAYS love J. He will forever have a huge part of my heart. He was my calm, he was my love, my best friend that I have ever had.

But he was also my enemy, he destroyed me quicker than he could build me up. He rocked my earth, he shattered my world. with one word. 

I stood by him through two bouts of infidelity. And the last time. wow. blow to the heart. Not only did he cheat on me, but he told me he had to choose between loving me or loving his ex. On my best friends wedding day. A day that was not about me. Not about him. It was about Amanda, and in some sense he robbed my best friend of glory that was all hers. But oh, it didn't stop there. She texted me. as he was asleep. In my bed. She. Slept. In.My. Bed.

And I didn't even get all the details until J was drunk, in our home in Idaho, that he let that slip. And I took him back. All he had to say to me was "nobody is you. and I love you" and I packed my suitcase, I left my kid. And I started our life. And in all that I gave up, he couldn't commit to either one of the two things I wanted. I wanted a baby. Or I wanted his name. So when he destroyed my life by kicking my door down and hitting me. I walked away. I asked him to come back. He told me to leave. And I did. 

He doesn't deserve to get me back. So here I am.

My heart will miss him. But I'm moving on.

And I'm okay.