A letter to your crush

Crush

I always go for the bad boys. I knew you were alll wrong from the getup. My guts good. But still here I am. Thinking that maybe one day you'll give me a chance. Even though by now I'm so invested into other types of relationships I would only wind up self destructing if you ever gave me the chance. And you would wind up hurting me anyways. But here's the deal friendster. I wish you happiness and clarity. I pray that you will find this. You are someone who has brought so much happiness to my life, have built me up when I needed it. Comforted me through words. I hope that I can manage to do the same for you. I pray that I can be the friend that you need me to be. Right now, you are everything I need you to be. You bring me some very fun, crazy times that I willl never have with anyone else. Mostly just because I do not have the balls to admit to another human being that I Like the things that you have shown me. But also because, this will just be our time. And I hope that It doesn't come to a crashing ugly end. I hope that when one of us finds someone we want to be with that we will just go our seperate ways. 

But I also hope that I never lose you. You mean a lot to me. 

I don't think you realize exactly how much. 

You made a heart breaking, soul shattering moment easier. 

I walked away from something and you made it minimally heartbreaking. I still have my soul. And for that I thank you. It wasn't just because you are a distraction from the pain. It's because you taught me that it is okay to laugh. That it really does heal the pain. I hope you know how awesome of a person you are and how much I love you. 

Brittany

A letter to your best friend

This is so HARD! I have a couple people in my life that I want to write these too. I think that I have 4 BEST FRIENDS. And I am SO. Fucking. Blessed. so here it goes.

Shayna!

I LOVE YOU! You understand me totally and completely. You know my heart, and the things I do. 

You are an amazing woman. And I am SO proud to call you my best friend. Thank you for always showing me that there is no excuse for not succeeding. You have accomplished so much. I strive to be like you. Free, happy, and beautiful. You have a rare heart. You have overcome so much. I'm so sorry that I didn't hear your cries for help. I'm sorry that I didn't help you in your time of need. Really Shay, that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope you know that I cannot wait to see where our lives are going to lead us. But I know one thing from you. You will be happy. You create your own happiness, and for that I am envious. 

Amanda!

I love you sister. Thank you. You have been my rock through so much. I know that I let you down. I know that I have hurt your heart. But thank you for stepping in and being the mother mine could never be. You are my Shero. I am so happy that you have found Sidney. I'm so happy that you have given me the best nephew's and neice that a girl could ask for. Thank you for showing me that when life hands you lemons, throw them at someone. You'll feel better. Thank you for showing me the beauty in a struggle. You have overcome a lot of abuse and you will not let it hold you down. Absolutly the opposite. It builds you up.You know who you are and who you refuse to be. I will always remember you coming home from YOUR honeymoon to have to dry MY tears. Thank you. 

Micah!

Oh goodness. I don't even know where to start with you Addie Marie my sandwich making non cancerous friend. I don't remember the whole thing. Do not judge me. Thank you for not judging me. You have seen me in pieces. You have seen me broken. Soulless. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for being there through everything. I cannot express to you how so sorry I am that I let Anthony tear you away from me. It was wrong and it was childish and I will never forgive myself for that. I'm sorry for being selfish in our friendship. I'm sorry for not being the girl that you have always needed me to be. Thank you for supporting my bad choices. For being everything I never thought I needed. I will always feel that you are my soul mate. I cannot wait to hug you. I didn't get to be blessed enough to have a sister, but the love that I have for you, I'm pretty sure, it's how a sister loves. Aside from my son, You mean more to me than any of my blood family. 

I love you,

Sammie Lynn.

Holly!!!!!!!!!!!

OH BROLLY WILKERVITT! I love you. 

Thank you for the continual love. thank you for understanding the decisions that I make. Thank you for not kicking me when I'm down. Thank you for drying my tears. I love you forever. You will always be in my heart. I thank God every day for you. I pray that you will get where you want to be. I am so sorry for your struggles, but I know that one day I'll get to hold your babies. I KNOW it. God is just waiting for the most precious moment for you. I believe in miracles. I also think he knows brittany and holly need some more random fun adventures ;). 

Thank You for understanding that my baby was a baby and not just a surgery. You wouldn't believe how many people forget so easily that it was a baby and just remember the surgery. You make my heart smile. I don't laugh with anyone like I laugh with you. Thank you Vineyard Hills for one of the best friends on the face of the planet! I am a lucky GIRL!

XOXO

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My best friends don't read this blog but I think I will eventually facebook these emails to them. 

How lucky am I that I get to have so many loving people surrounding me. Letting me make mistakes. Letting me learn, but to also be there when I fall flat on my ass to help me pick up the pieces. 

I miss them.

01/22/2012

SO I hate that I keep reiterating on old love. But here's the deal. Jason was the man that stood by my side for three years. I know that I was married for four but, that marriage was for every reason other than love

But aside from that little fiasco, I've never thought that I would walk down the isle to meet anyone but Jason Harmon.  And through all of our break ups, my heart, my soul, my brain was shattered. 

But this time is different. 

My heart is broken, but my soul is intact. I will ALWAYS love J. He will forever have a huge part of my heart. He was my calm, he was my love, my best friend that I have ever had.

But he was also my enemy, he destroyed me quicker than he could build me up. He rocked my earth, he shattered my world. with one word. 

I stood by him through two bouts of infidelity. And the last time. wow. blow to the heart. Not only did he cheat on me, but he told me he had to choose between loving me or loving his ex. On my best friends wedding day. A day that was not about me. Not about him. It was about Amanda, and in some sense he robbed my best friend of glory that was all hers. But oh, it didn't stop there. She texted me. as he was asleep. In my bed. She. Slept. In.My. Bed.

And I didn't even get all the details until J was drunk, in our home in Idaho, that he let that slip. And I took him back. All he had to say to me was "nobody is you. and I love you" and I packed my suitcase, I left my kid. And I started our life. And in all that I gave up, he couldn't commit to either one of the two things I wanted. I wanted a baby. Or I wanted his name. So when he destroyed my life by kicking my door down and hitting me. I walked away. I asked him to come back. He told me to leave. And I did. 

He doesn't deserve to get me back. So here I am.

My heart will miss him. But I'm moving on.

And I'm okay.

01/21/2012

I know.

WHAT THE FUCK

It's been like forever. Well that's life. At least it's mine. Craziness. And I'm almost afraid to say this. But I'm. Happy. There are moments of weakness. Moments of loneliness. But I'm happy. Every time a happy memory of Jason floods my mind, I'm reminded of the shit that I put up with for three years. I'm not claiming innocence here, because of coarse I'm not perfect. But I also didn't kick down a door and beat my own ass. so. I think I kind of win here. As much as I miss Madi, I'm really glad I didn't have to go through all of this 8 months pregnant. Because that would have been fun. Let's start my life over right around the time I'm pushing out a baby, or worse, with a new born baby. I only made it to 32 with Jeremiah so who knows. 

AHH! NO SADNESS!!!! On my flight back to California, I prayed that I would meet someone special. Little did I know but 2 months prior, someone was praying that they would sit next to someone on the airplane that knew sign language. And I met a friend. A really awesome friend. I 'talked' to him for the 2 hour flight back to California. And then wound up meeting up with him a couple times before he moved back to Salt Lake City for college. 

I've just been surrounded by some amazing people and experiences since my trip back home. I struggle, and I cry. But not even as much as I did in Idaho. But I'm still emotional roller coaster Brittany. so. who knows. 

It's late. I don't know what to say really.
I'm just trying to get back into this blogging mess. So more tomorrow.

it's taken too long to write this..

I just wanted to write my last baby update.
As it turns out with my last post, it wasn't a miscarriage. every doctor assured me it was but I was still having nausea and breast tenderness. So I called my ob-gyn. they had me do a blood test that came back positive. I thought it was a sign from god. 72 hours later they wanted another blood test, a tider, they called it. It came back higher, but not as high as they wanted so I went into the office for an ultra sound. my uterus was empty, but there was a sac in my filopean tube.
I went back for more blood work and waited for the call. Finally around 7pm the doctor called me and scheduled the date for the removal of the baby from my tube. That night I had severe cramping, which I attributed to constipation so I took ex-lax and xanex and went to bed. The next day I drove to San Luis Obispo to the hospital. I was doing good, holding tough to my sanity until I had to sign away the rights to let them remove up to my entire reproductive system. I signed the paper and called Erica begging her to come sit with me. And she did. at around 8 am the surgeon and the anastesiologist came in. They explained the procedure and gave me some pain pills (this part gets a little dicey and am only retelling the story as it was told to me) 

Don't worry I'm not about to go to surgery I'm in paradise lol.
So they eventually came with the goods and put me to sleep... when i woke up i immediately sat up trying to asses the damage. which set off my bed alarms. which i turned off. hey why not i'm a CNA lol. The doctor came in and told me that I had gone through a lot of pain. my tube had errupted (the pain from the night before) and that I had major internal bleeding, and had the surgery in time. another hour and it would have been too late. He had to take the tube and he had tried to cut out as much of the endometriosis that I had. I wanted to go back to recovery so I could get ahold of someone, I was supposed to stay in the or for an hour but I finally annoyed the nurses enough. Apparently the surgeon was telling me that my apendix and my other organs looked good. I responded with a witty on a one to charley sheen how does my liver look....
yeah. i'm classy. also before surgery the doctor asked if i smoked. i said when i drank. so he responded with so you make bad choices when drunk? i responded with. I'm pregnant and alone doc, obviously.
i told you guys, i'm all class.

The outcome. Finally Erica got to the hospital and by that time, I was dying I was in so much pain, they were pumping me full of percosets but they weren't doing anything. I could tell E was getting tired of waiting but I couldn't leave until my pain was managed. So after two hours I was ready to leave. On the way home all I wanted was in and out, but then got too nauseous to even eat it.
The next few days were awful. I was living on Vicodin, popcicles and pot. the pain pills made me sick to my stomach so all i wanted to eat was popcicles finally a friend of mine convinced me to  smoke with her and it worked wonders i could eat i could move i could feel half alive. Jason was amazing. all i had to do was wince in my sleep and i had a pain pill and a popsicle.
He will never know how much he made me fall in love with the way he cared for me after.
I'm still very angry.
This baby had me so in love. the whole ordeal was a rollercoaster. so many emotions. and then it ended. I had to choose to end my babies life or have my babies life end me. It felt like sophies choice, continue to live for the son I have or die for the baby I never met. Not a choice that I wish upon anyone.
I get stronger every day.
But not a day goes by I don't think of little miss Madi.
I love you darlin'

7/5/11

I spent Friday night in the E.R. for minor cramping. After a pap and blood tests they declared me and the baby in good health. Sunday night I was back in the hospital with bleeding. After seeing the doctor and getting a shot for my Rh- blood type the doctor once again declared me in good health.
Monday morning, I lost the baby.
This is hard. I am not okay. I do not know how I am going to pull through this.
I now know that I Have a 30% chance of ever having a baby again.
It has snapped everything down to my core.

6/30/11

I'm back. It's been too long. I let someone make me feel like crap for the things that I said in my blog. But here I am. With a whole stew of new adventures.
J and I broke up. AND I'm 4 weeks pregnant. It's a really rough time for me. On one hand I am so excited about having a baby (please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl) but on the other hand, I wish I wasn't doing this alone. I wish I had someone other than Holly to go to my doctors appointments, and pick names, figure out if we're going to find out the sex... all the fun things that go with having a baby. but I don't. And that's okay.
It's hard going from being with someone for 2 years to being alone and having a baby. But on the plus side, nobody to argue names, bedding and my 2 am cravings for taco bell :)

I'm going to break my blogs into seperate parts for now

BABY!
I've been praying for a girl. Truth is, aside from the pink and the wonderfulness I can't think of baby boy names LOL. So if it is a girl,
It's Madeline Grace Madi for short. I LOVES IT!
I've been put on Zolfan for neausia. It makes me super tired, but the trade off is worth it. I could keep maybe 300 calories down a day before the meds and now I can actually eat! I'm working out so I dont turn into a hump back whale by the end of this. It took me way too long to get rid of jeremiah baby fat and I know the seconds are harder. But I sure am loving these boobs. I am due around st. patricks day. conveniant. J's birthday. Rock on lol.

My life:
Still a STRAIGHT A STUDENT! and i'm not taking easy classes. I'm taking medical terminology, neutrition, and family studies. And the funny part is, nutrition is my hardest class. I guess it's not so much of a suprsie to anyone who knows my taco bell addictions lol.
I'm really lonely. I miss J. I feel like an incomplete person. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I saw my everything in him. I wish I could say that he would turn around, but I don't think so. I don't even want to know what he's doing because it's going to break my heart when he is with someone else. I wish he would at least care about this baby. but he just wants me to abort. I'm not going to though. I made the appointment. I did all I thought I should do. But I can't. Anyone who knows my heart knows that I could never live with myself if I went down this road.
It's funny. I have had some very awesomely attractive men want to take me out lately. I just can't do it. Aside from the whole knocked up thing,  I know that I am not ready to give any part of me to anyone else. Maybe I'll become a nun. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
i got laid off earlier this week, I was devistated, but I've already started to get my hours back so that's a plus. I just hope that I can keep my days 3 in a row so I can keep this job while living in Fresno. until I can find a place there. ITS SO CHEAP. go back to court for Jeremiah soon. I'm really hoping things go my way so I can leave California. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to move though. Ideas???

Well I think this is all for the night. I got to mop the floors and hit the hay.
This medicine is kickin my BUTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

3 weeks along. 6/28/11
Brittany & Baby